It's a tricky subject, but there are times for all parents when they just don't like parenthood.
They love their child, but the actual experience of being a parent at that moment just doesn't feel great. For example, when your child is inconsolable, and you haven't been able to eat or sleep for hours, and you can't even get to the toilet.
Psychologist Sarb Johal says ambivalence about parenting can strike at any time - even in the lead up to parenting.
Photo: Phil Nguyen / befunky.com
Johal tells Kathryn Ryan it's totally normal to feel that way but because few parents ever voice these feelings, it's easy to feel guilty.
“They can experience pressure from other people to conform or feel like they can't voice their doubts or concerns, but the implicit message here is that no one is really talking about it so maybe there's something wrong with me, and so you can internalise a lot of this ambivalence because everybody else feels like they're doing okay with it.”
The dread or regret of parenthood can set in over time or emerge when you’re frustrated with your duties, he says.
"You could feel this tension building up between you and your child, and that can have resultant feelings like anger, guilt, or depression if it doesn't go right.”
As a result, parents can feel compelled to suppress their thoughts, because they don’t want their peers to perceive them in a negative way, and end up acting in compensatory ways, he says.
"Often we can distract ourselves or we can obliviate [these thoughts and feelings with things like] wine o'clock; this idea that we want to get to the end of the day, we want to do something completely different that is not to do with our kids.
“Or sometimes we might be hypervigilant. So we get super helicopter parenting about it, because we don't want this thing to go wrong.”
At the root of this are unrealistic expectations of having and raising children, Johal says.
"I think that experienced parents would probably all sign up to the notion that having a child is really messy, figuratively, literally, but also the emotions that it provokes in you and others too, including your children, your partner, your parents, whoever is around, it's messy.”
For most people what they're experiencing is the comparison between the life that they had before or the life that they imagined that they would have as a parent, he says.
“The other thing I think that's going on is that we lose control of time a lot when we have a child. So if you're used to having a highly ordered life and being able to schedule yourself, the other thing that gets messed up is time.”
Parents require relief from the idealised notions of what it means to raise a child and our own conscience, which internalises society’s ideals, he says.
“We are kind of sold the myth that we can accomplish in all areas of our life all at the same time.
“And if you think about this idea of mastery, looking after a young child is pretty much the direct opposite of mastery. It is an altogether sub optimal experience for most of the time.
“So if that's what you're looking for, you need to be looking at it in terms of you will have moments of peak experience and joy and wonder and brilliant moments with your child and you will have down times with your child too. It's just like the rest of life.”
Johal suggests what we can do is to start rethinking the high bars we are setting for ourselves.
"Thinking about, well, is this something else that we can do to build perhaps a slightly lower bar, just getting through the day and having more of those little moments of where things are going kind of okay-ish, your child is clean-ish, they're being fed-ish.
"What we don't want to do is then to become completely laissez-faire and say, well, you know, I'm not going to do anything, didn’t do me any harm being left alone for nie hours a day, whatever your experience might have been.
“So yes, there is a middle way, but it's hard to steer that middle way when you're being surrounded by all these images or ideas as to what parenthood should look like.”
Having a place or partner where you can lower your guard in a gentle, reciprocal way can help ease your fears and thoughts, he says.
“There's us as a parent, but also thinking about ourselves as parenting units, interacting with each other, or whanau units, family units. How is it that we can get our needs as well as meeting the needs of these small people too?”
One thing to be wary of is when you require professional assistance.
“If these feelings are persisting for some time, or you're feeling that you want to do some quite extreme things, you find yourself constantly angry with yourself or with your child, then it is probably time to check that out with a trained medical professional,” Johal says.
“They'll help you to start tease apart what kind of support that you'll need for yourself to help you on your parenting journey.”
