For some people, sleepovers are "never an option". Photo: RNZ
Sheridan Eketone's daughter had been on numerous sleepovers with family friends. So it was surprising to get a late-night call from the mum, during yet another sleepover, saying that Eketone's daughter wanted to come home.
"I think she was just a little bit anxious about something completely unrelated to being away and I got the call with just a flood of tears."
Eketone, a parenting coach with the Parenting Place, talked to her daughter over the phone and the daughter decided to stick with the sleepover.
It underscores the unpredictability of children and the hit-or-miss of sleepovers. While a sleepover might seem like a rite of passage for many families, it is not the end of the world if your child or you as the parent are not that into the idea.
"There's some people where sleepovers are never an option and then there's probably others that every weekend they're going to a sleepover.
"I like the idea that it is a little bit of a treat, that we're not just doing it constantly. It's a little bit mindful."
Sheridan Eketone, a parenting coach at the Parenting Place. Photo: supplied
When is your child ready for a sleepover?
Children "develop at their own ages and stages", Dr Ann Martin, a clinical therapist who specialises in children, says.
While there is no concrete age at which a child will be ready for a sleepover, Martin suggests around nine or 10 years old.
"Do they have the ability to express their needs? Do they have the ability to understand separation from you?"
The idea of a sleepover should be child-led, but ultimately it is the parent's decision when a child is ready, Martin says.
A child might like the idea of a sleepover but not the reality of going to sleep without their parents in a strange house.
"Children don't know what they don't know and that is where they rely on parent judgement."
How to prepare your child for a sleepover
Parents can ease their child into the idea of a sleepover with a playdate that extends past dinner time.
"It gives them an introduction into "Gosh if I end up having to go to bed here' ... I will have more of an understanding of what that might feel like," Martin says.
"They might go away for a day with a friend so they separate from you to see what it feels like."
Dr Ann Martin, a clinical therapist who specialises in children. Photo: supplied
You can also practise a sleepover with close friends or family where you come along too. That way your child experiences the fun of a sleepover without the surprise anxiety of being homesick.
It is all about "nudging" your child towards a sleepover, Eketone says.
Best practices for sleepovers
So your child - and you - are ready to tackle a sleepover. Picking the right family for your child to stay with is key. Either family or close family friends are a good idea, Eketone says..
"Do we know what our family values are and are those matched by the family that the child is staying with? How well do we know [the family]?"
One flashpoint for sleepovers and even playdates is differences around technology. You should communicate what you expect with the other parent - what movies and shows the kids will watch, whether they will play video games and if devices are allowed in bedrooms.
It might be harsh news to some but darker threats can lurk when your child is away from home, according to the Parenting Place's blog on sleepovers. You need to know who your child is staying in the house with - adults and older siblings - and what safety measures are in place to protect your child at night.
"This is why I think ... unless it's a close family that we know they are safe with then just don't do it," Eketone says.
What do children gain from sleepovers?
The first major sleepover situation that Eketone's kids experienced was the annual year three sleepover in the school hall.
"What we often find is when they're brave enough to do the sleepover in the hall at school, suddenly they realise, 'Oh, my goodness. I could do it.'
"Sometimes it's about them gaining confidence to do something a little bit brave that is safe."
Sleepovers can help them develop self-management skills, including packing their bag and keeping track of their possessions.
Children can learn to appreciate the different dynamics of other families or appreciate their own family more. Eketone still remembers a sleepover she had at a friend's house when she was a teenager. The family analysed the flame of a candle in an extended dinner table chat.
"They were a real science-y family and my family are all creative and I was just like 'Who are these people that analyse how the fire got there?' It was just so different."
Of course, sleepovers are not necessary for a child's development, but they can aid the natural process of children gradually separating from their parents as they get older.
"They are becoming little independent people and they're starting to individuate from their parents, which is an important developing thing," Martin says.
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