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Disney's relentless campaign to ransack its own legacy with live-action remakes has turned some of the most beloved classics into soulless spectacles designed more for shareholders than actual kids. It has traded artistry for glazed-eye CGI that robs the originals of their magic.
That's what I tried to tell my seven year-old daughter, anyway. She said she liked the new Little Mermaid just fine, thank you very much, called out my bad attitude and went on to imply that I was old.
So I decided the time had come to introduce her to seven much better quality - or so I thought - kids' movies I watched when I was seven. It was a big ask, not to mention a big task, but over the course of the summer we (almost) made it through my carefully curated line-up of kid classics.
Here's what we thought:
The NeverEnding Story (1984)
A boy discovers a magic book that pulls him into the story of Atreyu, a young warrior on a quest to save the land of Fantasia from being erased by a dark force called The Nothing.
I really liked this when I was a kid, and for the most part so did my seven year-old. But like me she was a little confused at the so-called Luck Dragon turning out to be more of a Luck Dog.
"The flying dog was cute even if it wasn't an actual dragon," she said. "I wish I could ride on him and make [classmates names redacted] jump into a skip like that."
And dear God, she actually liked the infamous horse in the swamp scene. "It was fine, because the horse was just acting," she explained. Who says kids these days are being raised too soft? My whole class were in tears when we watched that back in the day.
Would she recommend it to a friend? "I'd warn them about the scary wolf. Also the movie just sort of ends too quickly with a random voice [over]." This despite complaining of being bored after the first five minutes.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Five lucky brats win a golden ticket to tour the mysterious chocolate factory of the enigmatic chocolatier William "Willy" Wonka.
Parts of this one were a hit with the young viewer. "The chocolate river was so cool. The factory had so many crazy things, like fizzy drinks and candy that never runs out. I want to go there, but without the kids."
However, "the boat ride was so creepy - why did they chop off a chicken's head? Is that how you make chocolate? And the grown-ups didn't listen to anything Willy Wonka said. That part with the blueberry girl was kind of gross, and the movie felt too long in some parts."
Would she recommend it to a friend? "If they don't mind old "scratchy-looking" movies." Okay, Generation Alpha.
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983)
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I proclaimed the famously least-liked original Star Wars movie the best - because Luke Skywalker's lightsaber was a funky shade of green this time.
Sadly, she'd had enough before Luke and co had made it to the Sarlac pit. Which is a pity, because she might have tolerated the Ewoks.
Would she recommend it to a friend? "Only if they like Star Wars." Lol, fair enough.
Labyrinth (1986)
When teenage Sarah wishes away her baby brother, she must navigate an enchanted maze to rescue him from David Bowie. Another movie I was a big fan of, and I'm happy to say it was a huge hit with my offspring as well.
"The maze was cool, especially when the walls kept moving. I liked how they showed Hoggle going wees." (Okay...) "Ludo was cute and nice, and the little dog riding the other dog was really funny. The junk lady and the junk dimension was creepy." Also creepy - the Goblin King obsessing over a teenager, but that went over her head.
Would she recommend it to a friend? "Yes. [But] your parents might ruin it by singing along to the songs."
The Dark Crystal (1982)
In a magical, otherworldly land, two young Gelflings set out on a dangerous journey to restore a broken crystal and save their world from the evil vulture-like Skeksis.
I have to admit, my attention span struggled a bit with this when I was a kid, and don't actually think I ever made it to the end. Neither did my seven year-old reviewer.
"Some parts were so slow, like when they were just walking forever. It was too serious. Those bird things (Skeksis) were weird and they sounded weird. They looked like they stank.
Would she recommend it to a friend? "Probably not. Maybe if they like muppets."
Gremlins (1984)
A boy receives an adorable furry creature for Christmas, accidentally gets it wet at the wrong time and unleashes a chaotic horde of mischievous, destructive gremlins on the town. My daughter quite liked this one, after I worried it might be a bit much for a seven year-old.
She told me I was being paranoid. "Hey, you're the boss," I said.
"The little furry Gizmo was so cute. I want one," she told me. (She has about a million similar looking things already, which I'm convinced multiply in much the same way.) "The gremlins got really scary sometimes, especially when they started attacking people. The part where the mum had to fight them in the kitchen was gross - why was there so much green goo?"
Would she recommend it to a friend? "Only if they like horror movies."
The Goonies (1985)
A group of kids in a sleepy coastal town discover a treasure map in their attic and embark on a thrilling adventure to find a hidden pirate fortune in order to save their homes.
"The kids should have been wearing bike helmets," she complained about the opening scenes. "And I was really sad when the big brother took the little girl's bike.
"I liked the piano that opened the door, and even though he looked scary at first, the monster guy turned out to be [spoiler] nice."
She was concerned about the sugar intake of "the boy who kept eating everything" (Chunk). Also, "why were the tunnels so dark? I couldn't see what was happening."
Would she recommend it to a friend? "If they're not scared of skeletons."
After all that, I'm not sure I won her over with my list of favourite childhood movies. It also gave me flashbacks from being forced against my will to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang when I was her age.
Another family member can take her to the new Snow White though. Those CGI dwarves look like the stuff of nightmares (which means she'll probably love it.)
