One of the most famous scenes from Love, Actually. Lots of people have turned on the classic rom-com in recent years. Photo: YouTube
By Karl Puschmann*
Love 'em or hate 'em, there's no denying that rom-coms hold a special place in many people's hearts. With their predictable plotlines and timeworn tropes, these easy-breezy films define feel-good viewing.
But underneath all the warm fuzzies and grand gestures, do rom-coms hide a dark truth? Could these lovey-dovey films impact people's actual views of romance and set unrealistic expectations for relationships in real life?
"I think they do," Dr Kyle Barrett, Senior Lecturer in Media and Creative Technologies at Waikato Univeristy's Te Kura Toi School of Arts says. "The message is you meet somebody, develop a relationship, and that's you sorted for the rest of your life. It's a very conservative, conformist sort of idea. I think rom-coms have played a substantial part in that expectation."
University of Waikato Portrait Photo: Wayne Mead
In contrast to Barrett's more cynical view on the genre, sex and relationship therapist, and Married At First Sight relationship expert, Jo Robertson has a more positive take.
"I think the expectations set out by rom-coms are often really good," she says. "They often show a lot of care, a lot of warmth, they're generally a slow build and they usually lead to positive outcomes. Which is what we want for people."
It's not the depiction of meet-cutes or running in the rain to the train station that is a problem with the genre, rather it's the setting of unrealistic expectations around conflict resolution that is unrealistic and potentially problematic.
"That's the bit I struggle with. Because often one person 'wins'. There's not a lot of negotiation. It's usually that one person's right and the other person's wrong. Sometimes that is the case in relationships, but most often not," she says.
In your typical rom-com, conflict resolution becomes about words, rather than sustained actions. We're all familiar with the heartfelt, moving apology speech, spoken in the pouring rain, for example. This has led people to believe that an apology and a bunch of flowers bought on the way home will fix any problems that have popped up. But that's not how real life works.
"Conflict is never like that. It's the first step of very many steps," Robertson says, before adding there's a reason rom-coms are the way they are. "A sustained period of change is really boring to watch and extremely hard to do in real life. That's the grind of change though."
For such a seemingly benign genre, rom-coms continue to influence generations of viewers in a way all other genres simply don't. For example, after watching an action film no one thinks they can steal the blueprints and escape the villain's lair. But sit someone down with a rom-com for 90 minutes and it's almost like their brain takes it as an instructional guide on how romance should work. Which, isn't always the best look.
"If you go back and watch some old rom-coms, especially the ones from the 90s and the 2000s, there are some pretty dodgy messages coming through," Barrett says. "The best example that everyone's sort of turned against is the once-beloved Love, Actually. I find it fascinating, that we're applying what we now consider relationship norms onto those films."
A scene from the well known rom-com, Love, Actually, which Barrett says people have turned on. Photo: © Working Title Films / DNA Film/ AFP
Another rom-com trope that's quickly being left in the past is the idea of the 'soul mate,' with Robertson saying she thinks that idea's past it.
"I don't hear people talk about that ever," she says. "There's a more mature approach to relationships in that way now."
Collectively we may have dumped that idea, but we didn't waste time hooking up with a toxic replacement.
"Where I do see things going wrong is people who have an extremely long list of requirements," she says.
"People have potentially a high view of themselves - which is totally fine and to be celebrated - but are not willing to see a partner go on a journey of change. They expect their partner to be at the destination as opposed to going through an evolution. This is just leading people into singleness."
The pair may be coming at the genre from vastly different views but they're both making a lot of sense. Rom-coms can be hazardous to your relationships. But only if you learn the wrong lessons from them. I start to wonder if I'm guilty of overthinking the genre and trying to dig deep into something that's just harmless escapism.
"Well, I love them. I'm a huge fan," Robertson smiles.
"Wherever we can see positive relationships, with love, care, respect, all of that stuff in media, I'm always a fan. Because we've got so many toxic role models. What rom-coms do that other movies don't is they tend to move quite slowly, physically. There's a safeguarding of the emotions of the person. And I quite like that because it values the emotions of the person. In most of our other kinds of media, people move really fast."
"I think that rom-coms provide a sense of comfort," Barrett adds. "They're about seeing people develop healthy relationships and they can help you reflect upon your own relationships. They can be a very useful mirror. For me, rom-coms are about having some sort of comfort in your life. As long as there's a couple of good gags in there, everyone's happy."
Sex and relationship therapist, and Married At First Sight relationship expert, Jo Robertson. Photo: Supplied
Rom-coms may be silly, frothy, lighthearted and clichéd, but, according to the experts, that's okay.
"Movies don't have to replicate real life," Robertson says.
Then she pauses, smiles and says, "That's why we watch them, right?"
* Karl Pushmann is a freelance entertainment writer.
